Monday, February 2, 2015

Reminiscing: contributions, growth, Brazil

Awake past midnight. I can't fall asleep. I am reminiscing about my life in Brazil between August 2013 and February 2014. 

A lot could be extracted in retrospect. Much to do about spirituality, physiological training, the arts and dance, teaching myself to speak and understand portuguese, diving into love and sexuality, broadening definitions of beauty, adapting to a culture without ever fitting in, and above all, eradicating my ego... or the attempt... 


These parts of Brazil are important. They are the pillars of my life.  


The greatest contribution a person makes to humanity is equal to the greatest contribution a person makes to oneself. Some contributions radiate and emanate love. The idea is to make the contributions that matter to you most, both sustainable movements and grand gestures. 


Reminiscing about my life in Brazil helps remind me of the frame for stepping into my contributions and growth in the here and now. I want to do great things the right way, without sacrificing whatever it is that makes me who I am. I erected the pillars of my life a long time ago and I intend on keeping them with me no matter where I am.  




1. All that you do must be done from the heart
2. The destination is only great because it sets you on the journey
3. Love, beauty and money are inside of you, born of you, fluid and malleable
4. You are limitless forms dancing within constructs that can be rearranged at your will to fit where you're at. 
5. No dream is too big to manifest in reality 
7. Practice decisive action with as little hesitation as possible 
8. Look in the direction where you are moving
9. Go  
10. Listen    

Thursday, January 22, 2015

angels in the 20-something outfield, pennies for your thoughts?

Today was fun; it was a day off from my day-job. I chose to spend my time today doing things that I enjoy doing alone. I slept in until 10:00am. Sipped my Early Gray slowly while reading a fashion magazine. I wore my vintage, black-brocade, chinese inspired Zara dress, which I found for only $12.00 at a consignment shop last week. Blue skies; not a cloud in sight. I left my apartment around 11am. I took the bus downtown. A cappuccino and croissant from my favorite coffee shop later; I window shopped and people watched. Basic city bliss. 

I decided to go into the Neiman Marcus department store. I can't afford anything inside unless I hawk my life savings, but no one knows that except for me (Well, If I can't have Prada, I can at least be around to feel it's aura). I passed slowly through the fragrance department. I couldn't help myself; I stopped in front of his majesty Tom Ford, aka "my slice of heaven". At this point I'm not sure if it's because I'm drooling all over the merchandise or if he's just that friendly, but the Tom Ford counter man immediately noticed me. He greeted me with a friendly expression in his eyes that I read as his way of saying: "Yes, my child. You have reached the pearly gates. I am your angel. I have the key. I will let you in. Tom is waiting to bath you in Orchids and Mum"

For thirty minutes this Tom Ford angel and I latched on. I confessed my love for Tom Ford designs, especially for his fragrances. My Tom Ford angel understood completely. 

We began with the basic vision: what I like to smell like/feel like. He took me through elements: wood, flower, spice, tobacco, smoke. Some qualities I value in scents were revealed to me: warm, full, deep, clean, mysterious, rich, masculine and feminine. I settled on two fragrances that tipped me over the edge...into what felt most like my scents.

After my revival in Tom Ford heaven, I couldn't bare the fall from grace: to ask for the price of the bottles. So instead of asking for anything I smiled shyly at my Tom Ford angel as if to hint: "Earth is calling. My bank account is not. Tell Tom i'm not old enough to ride his ride yet". 

I don't know if it was the mumbling or the awkward side-shuffle I did to back myself away from the counter without anyone getting hurt (especially myself), but this angel spoke to me. He uttered the most precious thing a 20-something on a budget could ever hope for:  (In a flamboyant, matter-of-fact tone. Italian accent)

"Oh, honey. You don't need to decide! You go get them all. Mix them together in different ways. Okay honey, we can give you samples of the ones you like. You go home. You play with them.


*  *  *

There are some things that are self-evident in life. Other things require a near-religious retail experience to demonstrate:

1. Fact: there are Tom Ford angels who have been sent from heaven to gift samples to audacious 20-somethings on tights budgets.   

2. There is a difference between purchasing a thing - and - not purchasing a thing, but knowing it could be purchased at any time. What important part is to know when and how to gain gratification. Rule of Tom: Determine if the buying/owning part is the bliss or if the bliss is in the process. 

3. When you're 20-something, and you're attempting to grow-a-pair financially, sacrifices must be made. However, not that many sacrifices are made in the end. Sure, you can't afford a big bottle of designer perfume right now. However, you can own a sample size right now and add your own big-deal value. Coveted and worn sparingly, the value of a sample size is a big deal.  




Last week my career coach (yes, I have one. No 20-something should be without one) Dawn, asked me as part of my homework to talk with everyone I can about money and free-write on money in a journal. 

I'm attempting to break out of my "money mold" (aka,  the place where you always go in your mind/body/life when you interact with money) 


I can't help but find in myself the tendency to dance in circles around money without taking a step back to notice if my steps and rhythms synch up? The dance i'm dancing can it carry my song, or am I marching to someone else's tune? I don't love the idea of limiting myself from the epistemology of anything, including from knowing the knowing of money. 

In the last several days I've begun instigating. I am instigating and participating in several fourth right conversations about money with family members and friends. Everyone has something great to add. I like collecting knowledge. I am making many observations. 






Money is not a noun. Thus, Money rarely stands alone in the mind and in the world without the meanings we tie to it. It needs one or a combination of ingredients to become a "thing". "Money and ______..." Some ingredients added to money to make up  include: Emotions, logic, religion, family, values, race, movement, systems, government, acceptance, love, risk, safety, sex, anger, greed, worthlessness, pride, confidence, belonging, passion, talent, popularity, community, ease, fear, love, bravery, abundance, excess, abuse, scarcity, apathy, limitations, beauty, language, nation, ignorance, possibilities, opportunities, travel, freedom.......









Breaking down. Rebuilding the constructs in our minds. The rebuild inside alters outside structure to fit. Being sure thoughts are not merely turning around without crossing certain check points, bridges, tolls. Thoughts have origins like paper trails. Everything waisted. Everything cherished. Everything sourced. The seed is planted and so it grows. However it is planted and in it's condition. So it goes...
      
   

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Fast and Slow

In the age of all things fast - fast emails, fast food, fast sex, fast money, fast transportation, fast wi-fi - I have decided to take on a hobby with a new-age opposite - something slow. Film photography, my latest hobby craze, moves so slow that there aren't many of us who have paitance for tricky set-up and long term processing. 

According to the popular vote analog cameras are out; digital pixels and automatic everything at the click of a button is in. trend according to geek can't account for the select of us "freaks" who find an unmitigated joy and value in taking it nice and slow with analog. I can't help but think that when it comes to the point and click if you move too fast are you missing out on magic? 

In the 1800's the idea of catching images of reality by harnessing exposed light onto a film inside of a wooden box was miraculous and supernatural. People got over it eventually. I'm having an 1800's reaction to film photography today. It still feels magical. I just developed prints from my first roll of Kodak black and white film. Some of my shots are out of focus. Others lack compelling subjects, greater meaning, or a striking composition. However, eight portraits I took of a fashion designer and proprietor in the setting of her trendy San Francisco studio loft are, in fact, magical. These eight I can be proud of. Taking it slow is worth it. 

In a marathon, pacing yourself is the key to longevity and finishing ahead. In film photography pacing yourself means focus, light and clarity. If everything comes fast there's no mystery building over time. Without mystery there's no intrigue. Learning is slow. Learning film photography is even slower.  

Another something slow we overlook in fast times are our slimy garden friends, Snails. Today I crossed paths with a snail on the side walk outside my apartment, and It got me thinking. Snails move at (for lack of a better phrase) snail pace. With homes on their backs they can never ditch the weight no matter how far they roam. 

We humans have the same problem, but instead of homes on our backs we carry around expectations, old habits, worries and woes. I wonder, when we're out and about and moving fast can we get to the point when we're moving at a rate fast enough to escape what's behind us, our pasts, and on our backs? Or, in an even slower sense, in the most gratifying moments of slowing down can we ever really get slow enough to where we can shake the weight of the world from our shoulders for good?

Human faces house the human soul; eyes are the windows, they say. I say some people's houses (faces) are heavier than others. As a new student of photography I have begun to study faces. Faces of the people on the bus. Faces in the crowd downtown. Faces in magazines and television. Reading faces has become a regular occurrence.


Portrait of a little girl I looked after in Oakland, CA. Shot digitally by myself 


 When I see a face that intrigues me I can usually know why. The faces that interest me aren't usually clean, young, or fragile. Faces that catch me are expressive, sensual, innocent, wise, worried, wrinkled, emotional, asymmetrical, angular, powerful and bold. I decided that as far as film photography is concerned it's better to capture someone with any amount of concern than someone vacant at home. 

If we can't escape where we come from. If our faces are our past. If fast or slow makes no difference at the end of the marathon. Then perhaps having the world on one's shoulders in the right sort of light is beautiful, honorable and precisely what brings us together. 

One of my favorite fashion photographers, Richard Avedon, spent his entire carrier taking photographs of raw human emotionality. He couldn't get enough of it. 


Avedon; self-portrait









Susan Sontag in her book On Photography reminds me that "one can't possess reality, one can possess images. One can't possess the present but one can possess the past." She also stated that “to take a photograph is to participate in another person's mortality, vulnerability, mutability. precisely by slicing out this moment and freezing it, all photographs testify to time's relentless melt.” 


Susan Sontag; photographer unknown

Susan Sontag shot by Annie Leibovitz

Susan Sontag; photographer unknown


Sontag was profound to study photography in a reflexive and critical account. I feel more than ever the importance of time. Pixels arrange themselves on the spot. Film takes a few moments to set up and weeks to develop. We don't have to choose one over the others; fast, slow, digital, film. The weight we bring around with us - "time" - acts differently depending on the  lens you choose to look through. I'm crazy about slow. I like using film photography because it's made up of at least one part magic I can be sure of. After all, how does such a grand subject fit so nicely into such a small box? I guess we'll never know, no matter fast and slow.     

Friday, January 2, 2015

The Year of the Gentlewoman


When it comes to down it, gentlewomen are calling the shots. Being a gentlewoman means opening your mouth to speak about truth- or in Penny Martin's case - opening your pages. The fashion world, which is doused with gentlewomen has a sort of tight lipped, close mouthed reputation. Models close their mouthes to calories. Designers close their mouths in front of critics and editors. Saks Fifth Avenue closes to those who's pocket books don't exceed certain interests.
All of this closed business is only half true. Penny Martin's truth speaks volumes, ten to be exact. Penny Martin, Editor-in-chief of The Gentlewoman Magazine blends together fashion ("what's in") and women's empowerment ("who's talking"). With Martin, both fashion and women are not simple, but complex, and one deserves to make the other feel better not worse.




If you associate fashion with putting women down, think again. And, if you assume that empowered women don't replenish some of their power with Céline or Tom Ford for good measure then you've certainly never read what Martin is getting at. She has a PHD in 1980's fashion magazines and a history with the Fawcett Society Women's Library, the world's biggest collection of women's magazines. Penny Martin comes equipped. 

I am enthralled with The Gentlewoman, which celebrates woman at any age, sex, race, shape, sexual orientation. The magazine is a place to see fashion styled with aliveness rather than lifelessness. It's a conversation with women who are arrested with style, grace and direction. Martin as an editor never leaves you torn between two subjects seemingly at odds with one another: couture fashion and women who open their mouths about truth and are likely too busy living their purpose to do anything but be fabulous humanbeings. I love that Martin gives us a fashion magazine with real life narrative and body. The gentlewoman can have it all in 2015, as long as editors like Penny Martin keep paving the way to calling shots that matter.





Monday, December 15, 2014

Burdens and Games

Friends are everything. why? need I say? 

I love the term "wing-man" or "wing-woman". As if we ourselves are only one half of what it takes to fly. A second, third, fourth wing is vital. Take offs are tricky.

One can never have too many friends; too many wings. Freedom is freedom. A wing for a wing leaves the whole world soaring. Yet, at this point I have a select few that provide just enough wing span to outstretch. Depth is important too when considering people to be your wings. It's nice to feel someone substantial there balancing you when you throw yourself against the wind. 

I suppose that friends are my life line. Is it this way for everyone? I am an only child. I feel bottled up at times, a captive of my own mind. Without friends I am swimming in shallow waters consumed with my own trajectories. It's possible to drown in the shallows. Best to bring a friend and venture to the deep end. Sharing risks is fun. Not many of us enjoy risking things alone without someone around to hear about it.

I was a serious child growing up. I used to pretend like I was an adult woman. I wore my mother's heals. I wrote out checks. Payed my bills. Drove to work in a lavender plastic car. I made a family. I was busy. 

I had no time for games in my games. There were things to do and places to be. It was just me most of the time, too. No one to depend on. No one to bounce off of. Some stuffed hushpuppies and bears played my wing-men. A doll, my husband. Friends were around when my mother arranged play-dates. Mostly I had to keep things to myself if I was going to be taken seriously. It wasn't easy to share pretend responsibilities. Those had to be my burden. 

I am a serious adult. I am 26. The game of life is real now. I have less responsibilities than I did as a child. I don't have a family or a husband. However, life keeps me busy and my little burdens keep me guessing. I guess about my future. I make estimations, really. They're open ended. Like, when will I succeed? Will I have a family of my own? When will I have a substantial amount of money? How do I become my greatest self? It's easy to get too serious about my life. I long for the pretend checkbook I made out of newspaper and scotch tape. Or all the funny money I stuffed in my purses and forgot all about. Instead I've settled down. I write real bills with my real Wells Fargo's checkbook. My mother's heals are my own. I am not pretending anymore. The jig is up. 

I saw two of my closest friends today, and I was reminded of the extraordinary goodness that comes from sharing in burdens and in games. Laughter swells our conversations, which seem never ending. A tri-pod, the three of us belong together. Warm chinese soup, hot and sour. Rain pelting from the sky outside. The tri-pod wearing bulky sweaters talking about lovers and discoveries. I feel like time never passed since we left off. We're right back at it. The game is happiness. A sensation like, "i'm not in this alone" sets in. We're relieved at times during our visit that the others have felt the same before. My friends are animated. I am comfortable. I am myself. Stuffed hushpuppies once sat as witnesses on my bedspread while I tagged them into my games. Now silenced witnesses are fast replaced by friends making statements, making noise, challenging my perfect world. Suddenly I am in awe. I always told myself I would learn to let people in. I'll keep telling myself until I get it. I realize the necessity of contact. Why lovers love. Why friends friend. Why teachers teach. Why life gets living. Maybe we're not meant to go at it alone. 

One of my friends had her wallet stolen and her car broken into. The other of my friends had no cash on hand. I treated food, gas, and transportation for all of us. Burdens come down sometimes totally unwarranted. As my life propels me into the new year, I am met with numerous burdens I warranted. I am prepared to work harder and work smarter in 2015. I am preparing to manage my money better. I began working with a new company. Dark circles sometimes appear under my eyes unannounced. I could be burning the candle at both ends. I could shut out my friends during this time of great triumph. I could take a stab at life alone. Let her wallet go missing and keep my funny money tucked away in my purse. Let his bus go by without giving him fare. Feed myself and be fat. Choose the silence of a hushpuppy witness over the noise and the new burdens. Except that's not real. I am not pretending anymore. The jig is up. 

There is something unspoken written somewhere about love. It says that love is simple rather than complex. It says that nothing in life matters more than friendship. It says the reason I've worked so hard is to provide for others, in the games I play and in the burdens I face. It says, i'm not in this alone. It defies selfish patterns for which I often fall pray. It asks the tough questions. It makes noise. It's not perfect. It means, friends are everything. 

            

      

   


Girl Made of Wood

The girl made of wood didn't come here on foot;
suddenly there she was on the beach, sitting on the cobbles,
her head covered with old sea flowers,
her expression the sadness of roots.

There she stayed, watching over our open lives.
the morning and being and going and coming, over the earth,
as the day faded its gradual petals. She watched
over us without seeing us, the girl made of wood:

crowned by ancient waves, she looked out
through her shipwrecked eyes.
She knew we live in a distant net

of time and water and waves and noise and rain
without knowing if we exist, or if we are her dream.
This is the story of the girl made of wood.
- Pablo Neruda, Mascaron de Proa (Figurehead of a Ship) 

model, Maeve O'Sullivan - Photography by, Kaley Isabella - Painting by, Paul Scofield  

 A sacrifice was made; women in the long line of fire. Women have stood out; given arms they did not fashion, to defend themselves against languages they were never meant to speak. Men stood with fire; in reverence, in opposition, in lust. In actuality, women stand alone; framed by their own unspoken irrefutable justice: Her sustained myth.

Myth exists in sustained time carried forward through multiple dimensions. Myth touches all who cross it, and the wisdoms translate speakable and unspeakable, tangible and intangible patterns. Myths are not human but told by human. Myths like ocean currents; impossible to trace an origin impossible to contain. I am certain myths are pillars, which stand to hold us up in awe of what is possible.

Joseph Campbell once said, "Myths are clues to the spiritual potentialities of the human life".

Let's bring our attention to spirit, as we navigate our quests and frame our legacies.

Self portrait; New York City, NY -  2014

Why?

Fortunate for us, we find myths in real time. I have often entertained the idea that the diseases humans "battle" are myths in real time, or the 'clues to spiritual potentialities'. The humans I know who "battle" diseases are heros among us, and not all of them are battling all the time.  

My grandmother's has Alzheimer's disease.  Her disease has caused her to loose her short term memory and some of her long term memories. However, she knows me, giving me a great deal of warmth and affection when we are together, yet she doesn't know my name, my work, or how I came to be in her life. She is in, as my father calls it, an eternal present moment. Her face has changed. She is child like. She adores her dolls and stuffed bears. She doesn't resist reality or fight with anyone. She seems to glide through her days in momentary aliveness. On Friday she asked me for my name. I met my grandmother for the first time on Friday, and watch her politely greet the young lady i've been busy becoming. She is the only person I know who is deeply optimistic and curious, learning everything for the first time at 86 years old. 

My grandmother; a girl made of wood. 

Figurehead of a ship: 
...she looked out
through her shipwrecked eyes.
without knowing if we exist, 
or if we are her dream...

I watched the documentary Maidentrip about a fourteen year old girl who sails the world for two years in attempt to set the record as the youngest person to sail around the world alone. There was a point when hours turned into days, days into months, and months into timelessness surrounded by ocean. Without land it's clear that time or reality has no end and no beginning. How is it that dream and reality are so interchangeable? What does disease teach us about the capacity for humans to transcend the physical and meet with reality through another channel? What does it mean to be a living myth? To stand independent of reality as a pillar of potential...

 everything.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Folding

folding unto races. 

I cannot whisper now
breathless stampede  
I am under water

peripheral gates at any angle 
set sail to billowed sheets
folding unto races

five brothers pull the seal 
loaded deception 
folding brothers unto brothers

above soot taps black umbrella faces
below steal cut oats cut bellies for the needy
plunging swollen hunger games  

another typhoon is set to hit the Philippines.
no one runs
the island is praying; people surf the faith