Burdens and Games

Friends are everything. why? need I say? 

I love the term "wing-man" or "wing-woman". As if we ourselves are only one half of what it takes to fly. A second, third, fourth wing is vital. Take offs are tricky.

One can never have too many friends; too many wings. Freedom is freedom. A wing for a wing leaves the whole world soaring. Yet, at this point I have a select few that provide just enough wing span to outstretch. Depth is important too when considering people to be your wings. It's nice to feel someone substantial there balancing you when you throw yourself against the wind. 

I suppose that friends are my life line. Is it this way for everyone? I am an only child. I feel bottled up at times, a captive of my own mind. Without friends I am swimming in shallow waters consumed with my own trajectories. It's possible to drown in the shallows. Best to bring a friend and venture to the deep end. Sharing risks is fun. Not many of us enjoy risking things alone without someone around to hear about it.

I was a serious child growing up. I used to pretend like I was an adult woman. I wore my mother's heals. I wrote out checks. Payed my bills. Drove to work in a lavender plastic car. I made a family. I was busy. 

I had no time for games in my games. There were things to do and places to be. It was just me most of the time, too. No one to depend on. No one to bounce off of. Some stuffed hushpuppies and bears played my wing-men. A doll, my husband. Friends were around when my mother arranged play-dates. Mostly I had to keep things to myself if I was going to be taken seriously. It wasn't easy to share pretend responsibilities. Those had to be my burden. 

I am a serious adult. I am 26. The game of life is real now. I have less responsibilities than I did as a child. I don't have a family or a husband. However, life keeps me busy and my little burdens keep me guessing. I guess about my future. I make estimations, really. They're open ended. Like, when will I succeed? Will I have a family of my own? When will I have a substantial amount of money? How do I become my greatest self? It's easy to get too serious about my life. I long for the pretend checkbook I made out of newspaper and scotch tape. Or all the funny money I stuffed in my purses and forgot all about. Instead I've settled down. I write real bills with my real Wells Fargo's checkbook. My mother's heals are my own. I am not pretending anymore. The jig is up. 

I saw two of my closest friends today, and I was reminded of the extraordinary goodness that comes from sharing in burdens and in games. Laughter swells our conversations, which seem never ending. A tri-pod, the three of us belong together. Warm chinese soup, hot and sour. Rain pelting from the sky outside. The tri-pod wearing bulky sweaters talking about lovers and discoveries. I feel like time never passed since we left off. We're right back at it. The game is happiness. A sensation like, "i'm not in this alone" sets in. We're relieved at times during our visit that the others have felt the same before. My friends are animated. I am comfortable. I am myself. Stuffed hushpuppies once sat as witnesses on my bedspread while I tagged them into my games. Now silenced witnesses are fast replaced by friends making statements, making noise, challenging my perfect world. Suddenly I am in awe. I always told myself I would learn to let people in. I'll keep telling myself until I get it. I realize the necessity of contact. Why lovers love. Why friends friend. Why teachers teach. Why life gets living. Maybe we're not meant to go at it alone. 

One of my friends had her wallet stolen and her car broken into. The other of my friends had no cash on hand. I treated food, gas, and transportation for all of us. Burdens come down sometimes totally unwarranted. As my life propels me into the new year, I am met with numerous burdens I warranted. I am prepared to work harder and work smarter in 2015. I am preparing to manage my money better. I began working with a new company. Dark circles sometimes appear under my eyes unannounced. I could be burning the candle at both ends. I could shut out my friends during this time of great triumph. I could take a stab at life alone. Let her wallet go missing and keep my funny money tucked away in my purse. Let his bus go by without giving him fare. Feed myself and be fat. Choose the silence of a hushpuppy witness over the noise and the new burdens. Except that's not real. I am not pretending anymore. The jig is up. 

There is something unspoken written somewhere about love. It says that love is simple rather than complex. It says that nothing in life matters more than friendship. It says the reason I've worked so hard is to provide for others, in the games I play and in the burdens I face. It says, i'm not in this alone. It defies selfish patterns for which I often fall pray. It asks the tough questions. It makes noise. It's not perfect. It means, friends are everything.